Insomnia

You slept last night with a tear stained pillow. You prayed hard, asking the Divine to usher you to sleep even if you knew that sleeping at that moment will prove futile because you sleep earlier that afternoon for three straight hours. But you still force yourself to sleep so you close your eyes really hard and pretend that you’re dozing off. But of course, you’re not good at faking yourself.

So the moment you close your eyes, tears suddenly found its way. And the sudden flashback of your memories with him came flooded in. You still force your eyes to shut but then the picture changes and become visible – it was you crying, with the Creator comforting and hugging you. All of a sudden, you burst into tears and prayed hard to stop the agony you’re in and to calm your heart that is breaking.

Minutes later, you dozed off to sleep, this time, for real. Your mind transported your soul to happy things. You saw your old friends, talked to them and enjoyed having some time off. You looked happy then. You turned your back to the guy who you once knew, asking only if how fine he is, and then you walked away. You walked away with smile on your face and later join the guy who asked to walk you home.

You wandered peacefully to places unknown. It was a total relief. But reality strikes and the alarm clock signaled you to rise. And abruptly, the moment you open your eyes, the heartaches start to consume you again, piece by piece, painfully. Once again, you asked yourself what went wrong by reminiscing your good old times. You picked up the pieces, trying to find that one piece that will answer the reason of his sudden unhappiness and the valid reason of him leaving you, all of a sudden.

But there are far more reasons he won’t tell you, and the emptiness stuck inside you and you’ve tried everything to fill the void he created. You busied yourself, gotten yourself tired, and got in touch with your long forgotten activities. But that didn’t work. So you continue to search for something that will ease your mind just for a little while. But all you found are the things that remind you of him. And so you start again.

You start to find the “you” that has been missing since the day you’ve shared your heart to him. You start to look straight in your own eyes now and see what you’ve become since then. Have you evolved? Have you really gained or shared more love? Have you gotten stronger? Of course you do.

But this time, you have to continuously do that — alone. Yes, it’s hard. But it’s worth every effort because it’s for yourself after all. Repeat this to yourself: I’m strong. I’m beautiful. I’m kind. I’m capable of loving myself, so I will focus on other things and look after myself now. And gradually, you will find yourself capable of being happy again. It takes time but of course, you can. You’re brave, and believe it, because it’s true. You’re more than enough and you deserve a genuine kind of love.

You slept last night with a tear stained pillow, and wake up the same. But one day, when all the pain has subside and forgiveness has triumphant, you will wake up with a stronger heart and realize that you deserve a much better love — a love that is beautiful and stronger than the one you once had. ###

Advertisements

8:21

Alas otso disisyete ng umaga. Nakatayo kang nakikinig sa ispiker na nasa harapan. Nang biglang mag-vibrate ang cellphone sa iyong bulsa.

Unang vibrate. Hindi mo ito agad pinansin sa pag-aakalang ito’y isang text lamang. Hindi ka rin kasi mahilig maglagay ng message ringtone sa iyong cellphone at ang katotohana’y ilang linggo ka na rin kasing hindi nakakatanggap ng tawag sa ganoong klase ng umaga. Nang biglang pumangalawa ang vibrate. Alam mong tawag na iyon at napaisip ka na lang kung sino ang tatawag sayo ng ganoong oras.

Agad mong kinuha ang cellphone sa iyong bulsa. At bumungad sayo ang pangalan niya — ang naghuhuling pangalang ninanais mong makita. Napaisip ka pa kung sino ang pangalang nabasa mo. Nagdalawang tingin. Nakalimutan mo kasing binago mo na nga pala ang pangalan nya sa cellphone mo. Nang sandaling iyon, hindi pananabik ang naramdaman mo kundi kaba. Kaba dahil iniisip mo ang rason kung bakit sya tatawag samantalang ilang linggo na rin kayong hindi nag-uusap.

Hinintay mo ang ikalimang tunog bago sinagot. Kinabahan ka. Naglaro na sa isip mo ang pinakamasamang senaryong maari mong maisip. Ang pinakamalala ay yaong naaksidente sya. Inasahan mong hindi sya ang makakausap mo sa kabilang linya. Hinanda mo na ang iyong sarili sa pinaka-nakakatakot na pwede mong marinig — sa posibilidad na kailangan ka nya, at sa opsyon kung tutulungan mo ba sya.

Kaya hindi ka muna nagsalita. Hinintay mong magsalita ang may hawak ng kabilang linya. Malabo ang unang salita. Hindi mo nabosesan. Kaya ang nasabi mo na lang ay “Ha?

Pinaulit mo ito. At sa pangalawang pagkakataon, doon mo napagtanto na ang kausap mo ay walang iba kundi sya. Nawala ang kaba mo. “Hello, good morning,” ang sabi nya sayo. Rinig na rinig mo ang saya sa kanyang boses. Sayang parang walang nagbago sa inyo. Sayang parang mali.

Naisip mo nun, nakalimot ba sya? Alam ba nya kung ano na kayo ngayon? Alam ba nya kung anong ginawa nya sayo? Natawa ka dahil muntik-muntikan mo na ring syang matanong kung lasing ba sya. Sino ba namang tao ang matutuwa kapag narinig mo yung taong minahal mo nang sobra pero sa huli ay piniling iwanan ka, na tatawagan ka isang di inaasahang umaga na parang nalimutang sinaktan ka pala nya, masayang-masaya ang boses na parang matalik lang kayong magkaibigan, na parang maayos lang ang lahat.

Kamusta ka?” ang tanong nya. Sa nagdaang panahon, yan na siguro ang pinakamahirap na tanong na pwedeng ibato sayo ng kahit sino. Hindi mo kasi kayang sagutin. At mas lalong di mo kayang marinig ang tanong na yan sa taong alam mong naging dahilan kung bakit hirap na hirap kang sagutin ang simpleng tanong na yan. Kamusta ka na nga ba? Kamusta ka na matapos nyang wasakin ang nananahimik mong puso? Kamusta ka matapos nyang itapon lahat ng alala kasama mo? Kamusta ka? Napulot mo na ba ang nagkalat na piraso ng pagkatao mo matapos ang masalimuot nyong pagtatapos? Kamusta ka nga ba? Hindi mo talaga alam.

Bakit?” ang tugon mo. “Masama ka na bang kamustahin?” sabat nya. Ang daming bagay na tumatakbo sa isip mo noong sinabi nya yun. Masama ka nga bang kamustahin? Gusto mo syang murahin. Pero pinakalma mo ang iyong sarili. Kalma, puso. Kalma. At nasabi mo na lang ay “Di ko masasagot yan.” Pinipigilan mong magalit. Pinipigilan mong ibuhos lahat ng sakit. Alam ba nya kung bakit? Dahil mas pipiliin mong magpakabuti sa taong nakalimot maging mabuti. Mas pipiliin mong sarilinin ang sakit dahil sa huli, ikaw lang naman talaga sa inyong dalawa ang nasaktan. Sa isang paghihiwalay, hindi kalianman magpapantay ang sakit. Kailanman, walang dalawang puso ang nasusugatan ng sabay. Kailanman hindi mo pwedeng ibahagi ang sakit. Dahil ikaw yan, ikaw lang din ang gagamot nyan. Ganyan mo pinakitang matapang ka kahit na iniwan ka nyang mag-isa at nagtataka.

Hindi mo kasi ako nirereplyan pagchina-chat kita,” dagdag nya. Napahinto ka. Kailan mo pa ba naging obligasyon na sagutin lahat ng mensahe nya sayo? Ngayon pa ba kung kelan wala nang kayo? Ngayon pa ba na sa loob ng ilang linggo, halos araw-araw nyang ipinagdidiwang na wala na kayo? Yan ang ilan sa mga gusto mong ibato sa kanya, pero pinili mong ‘wag na, bagkus sinagot mo na lang ito ng “Ah.”

Sabi mo paminsan-minsan magte-text o magcha-chat pa rin tayo, pero bakit ganun, parang mas lalo kang lumalayo sa akin?” sabi pa nya. Gusto mo ulit syang murahin. Buti na lang di nya nakikita ang pag-ismid ng iyong labi habang sinasabi nya iyon.

Na habang naririnig mo sa kanya ang salitang paglayo, gusto mo syang duruin sa mukha at sabihing ang kapal kapal ng mukha nya. Na sya pa talaga ang may ganang magsabi nyan? Nasaan ba sya nung lugmok na lugmok ka? Na bigla-bigla ka na lang napapaiyak sa dyip papunta sa opisina o maging pauwi sa iyong tahanan. Nasaan ba sya noong panahong basang-basa ka ng ulan pero wala ka nang matawag na sasaklolo sayo?. Nasaan ba sya noong alas-dose ng gabi ka na nakauwi pero nagmatapang ka kahit takot na takot ka sa dilim dahil alam mong wala nang sasalba sayo. Nasaan sya? Ayun, araw-araw masaya. Ayun, piniling panindigan ang kasinungalingan nya.

Pag di ka na busy at di na rin ako busy, text o chat tayo,” dagdag pa nya. Sino ba talaga sa inyong dalawa ang abala? Bumalik kayo ilang buwan o linggo ang nakaraan. Bumalik kayo doon sa panahon na humihingi ka ng konting oras sa kanya. Na halos nanlilimos ka na ng atensyon kahit konti sa kanya. Bumalik kayo doon. Naisip mo, bakit ngayon pa sya magkakaroon ng oras samantalang ang tagal mong inasam na mapansin ka nya noon. Bakit ngayon nya sasabihin ang mga katagang yaon, samantalang wala nang kayo. Na sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon, bakit magtatayo na naman sya ng isang simula samantalang kakatapos lang ng isang nasayang na kabanata.

Ang nakakatawa pa, gusto mo sanang itanong sa kanya kung bakit bigla syang nagparamdam. Kung anong posibleng dahilan bakit biglaan ka nyang tinawagan. Bakit, binasted na ba sya ng kanyang nililigawan? Busy ba ang bago nyang pinag-iinteresan kaya naghahanap sya ng ibang paglilipasan ng oras. Gusto mo ulit syang murahin. Hindi ka pampalipas oras. At hindi ka na kailanman magpapalinlang sa taong katulad nya. Walang kahit sino ang nagnanais ng tira-tirang pagmamahal. At walang pagmamahal ang magtatagal sa pulos kasinungalingan. At mas lalong walang pagmamahal na magtatagumpay kung nabuo ito sa pagsira sa isang matatag sanang pag-iibigan kung wala lang sanang umeksenang iba na nagpapanggap na may pusong dalisay pero sa huli pusong nag-aabang lang pala ng pagkasira ng isang relasyon at katapusan.

Alas otso disisyete ng umaga. Nakatayo kang nakikinig sa ispiker na nasa harapan. Nang biglang mag-vibrate ang cellphone sa iyong bulsa. Pero sa huli, mas pinili mong ikaw ang maunang magbaba ng linya. Na ikaw ang tumapos sa usapan ninyong dalawa. Tulad ng pagtapos nya, isang linggong umuulan, sa kuwentong matagal nyong isinulat dalawa.

At sa apat na minuto at labimpitong segundo pinili mong tapusin ang inyong usapan. Winakasan ito sa salitang “sige na” at “paalam,” sabay ibinaba ang telepono at pinaalala sa sariling tama na ang katangahan. ###

The things you forget

One. You said you love me but you decided to end this. You said you have to figure something out for yourself, that there is something you need fixing. You said it’s unfair for me if we’ll continue this relationship when you have lied to me. Far beyond what I want, I heeded your decisions because I know you need time.

Two. I believe in us and so I waited for you to come back to me, to come to your senses, to retract what you’ve already decided. I’ve hopefully waited for you to be with me again but all my hopes were in dire because you chose to be with them more than to be with me. I don’t know what I have done wrong. I chose to believe in us but that doesn’t mean you have the same belief as I am.

Three. I came to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, you really wanted to be with yourself. I let you be. You need fixing, right? I stopped bugging you. I never bothered to wait for your good night messages, too. But I won’t deny the fact that I still look at my phone from time to time hoping to receive just one good text from you. But like all other hopes, I learned that waiting has also limits, I’ll wait for you, sure, but do not expect me to wait for you for too long.

Four. It’s the second week that you never bothered to ask me anything at all. You didn’t even bother to remind me to eat on time like you used to before. And I’m still hoping to receive just one text from you, that’s how naïve I am to the fact that maybe, just maybe, I can still find pieces of your love stored somewhere in your heart. But of course, I failed. And now I realize that I need to detach myself from you, little by little, even it’s hard, even it hurts the same.

Five.  I’ve been wondering if my heart was induced with some kind of medicine to forget. I somehow managed my weeks the way I live it before. But still, from time to time, I’m thinking about you, hoping you’re okay, hoping you’ve already happy to the choice you made. I’m becoming used to not talking to you. I’m getting used to just being on my own, feeling again the little world I created before. I’m getting used to your absence. And in getting used to that feeling, all I have is myself now. That your absence taught me that I can cure my sadness with my own presence.

SIx. You failed to look me in the eyes like the way you used to. You don’t bother to look through me and see that even after all the pain you brought me, I still cling to you. You’re still the one who gives light to these eyes. But of course, that’s overly distant now. Because now, all I’ve witnessed is how yours drifted as time passed by. You never cared to look at me intently now, ‘cause you’ve been busy eyeing someone else. Look but never understand — maybe you look at me for quite some time, but in the end, you miss the opportunity to understand us and see what we’ve become.

Seven. I’m beginning to accept the fact that time can change things. And memories are best remembered when it is all you’ve got in the end. I probably miss how you find time waiting for me in my jeepney stop and you’re all smiles looking totally excited as I stepped out, and you’ll reach out to me, taking my hand and interlocked it with yours. Together, we’ll walk hand in hand or sometimes your arms around my shoulders, to my next jeepney route. Again, waiting for me to safely get a ride home, and while the conductor is busy filling up the transport, we’ll stare at each other, murmuring repetitively words of affection and we’ll not break our stare even after the jeepney makes it move. Funny how simple that was but it’s your habit after all, making me feel wanted, making me feel that you cared at all.

Eight. But affection, just like love, can fade through time. I don’t know what really happen. We’ve been happy, right, and the next thing I knew, you’re suddenly drifting away. You keep on telling me that you’ve been fed up, tired of all my endless dramas, tired of the habitual things we do. You stop posting our sweet nothings on your social media, and every time I ask you to, you’re ready with your well-crafted reasons. And so I stopped. I stopped bugging you. I let you be. Probably you have your own reasons that I, probably, could not understand  because you could not tell me what it is. And so I was left with questions I don’t know how to answer myself.

Almost nine. It was an exciting almost nine-year we had. I can’t thank you enough for reminding me how braver it is to let go than to hold on. As soon as I can accept the reality that the man I used to know is not the one I am facing right now, I will still looked for you – in distance. I thank you for being with me in my best and worst mood, for being my map when you know I’m the worst navigator. I thank you for being true, for telling me you are tired of us, for being the one to end this, just because I can’t.  If love is not possible in this lifetime, it probably be real in the next. We may not end our story beautifully but know that I still hold on to the beautiful beginning we once had. In the midst of forgetting all of these things, I hope one day, you will remember how we built something beautiful – in the process of loving and hurting at the same time. But for now, it’s time to bid you goodbye.

###

Talulot

Iniabot ang bungkos ng rosas, isang halik na matamis sa labi at ang katagang “mahal kita,” nag-ugat ang kuwento sa rosas na pula at sa kung paanong nahulog hindi lang ang puso, kundi ang buong pagkatao mo sa kanya.

Naalala mo ba na ikaw ang dugong pinadadaloy nya papunta sa kanyang puso? O ang mga pagitan ng mga salitang hindi nya mabigkas dahil ikaw lamang ang kayang kumumpleto. Naalala mo ba na ikaw ang hakbang sa bawat lakad na atrasado, maging ang kantang di nya kayang bigyan ng ritmo? Kailangan pa ba nyang ipaalala sayo na ikaw ang natatanging tulang kaya nyang likhain ng animnapung segundo.

Ilang hakbang pa ba ang kailangang lakarin upang maintindihan mong ang mga paa nya’y iisang direksyon lamang ang tinutungo. Ilang distansya pa ba ang kailangan nyang abutin upang maabot nya ang puso mong tuluyan nang lumalayo. Hindi mo ba alam na ikaw lamang ang markang kaya nyang itatak sa katawan nyang walang kahit anong bahid ng sakit at hirap.

Isang yapos ang itinumbas sa mga matatamis mong kilos. Pinaalalang hindi ikaw ang problema sa puso nyang nakalimot, sa mga plano nyong sabay binuo. Pinaalala nya sayong huwag mo syang gawing iyong mundo, katwiran nya’y dahil may sarili syang mundo. Kalimutan ang mga binitiwang pangako, mabuhay nang matiwasay nang hindi sya kasama. Dahan-dahang pumiglas sa huling yakap, sabay ang katagang, “mahal, paalam sa magagandang alaala.”

Iniabot ang bungkos ng rosas, isang halik na matamis sa labi at ang katagang “mahal kita.” At sa ikalambing-apat ng Pebrero, nagtapos ang kuwento sa rosas na pula at sa kung paanong hindi mo kayang maangkin ang puso nyang ang tinitibok na ay iba. ###

Unkept

Once, you said you’ll be the path that will lead me somewhere beautiful. We’ll travel places hand in hand. Together we’ll explore unknown destinations, together we’ll conquer the world. Remember those Christmases when we plan our next travel route? We readily get excited to pack our suitcase, jotting down itineraries of places to explore. Only then do I realize, exploring means being on my own, continuing the plans we had before.

Once, you said you’ll make me happy. You always love to plant kisses on my cheek, forehead, lips. You always pinch my cheeks and tickles me. You hold my hand and never tends to let go. I don’t know now where it took us. But it took time for me to realize that letting go of those hands will be easier than holding on will do.

Once, you said you’ll have my heart — protected and unharmed. Without second thought, I let you own it. You took possession of this fragile heart telling me you’ll never break it. But somehow, along those times, bit by bit you took away part of my once still heart. You ripped it into pieces, I no longer knew now how to mend. In those fleeting moments, I’ve realized it’s my own job to protect my heart in the first place. It’s my own heart, I should care. It’s my heart, my one and own heart, I possess.

Once, you said you’ll be my man. You’ll shield me from the harsh world and the cruel environment we had. Remember how once, we build our dreams, our family, our home. Remember when you told me, I’ll be the woman you’ll wait at the cross, I’ll be the woman you’ll spent your whole life for. Because, once you told me your love will never fade. But all of a sudden, your love became just a haunting memory of regrets and heartbreaks. Soon, the man I came to know does not value me anymore. The man, whom I thought would be my all, became the man who ended up breaking my heart, and left it torn.

Where does it takes us from here? Do you know promises are meant to be kept? Do you think goodbyes are just words without meaning, when in fact it means another heart dying? Because now, I’m here, stuck on my own, still remembering those words you said to me. I believe, of course, because once, you said I love you, dear, and next thing I knew, I stayed but you decided to leave.###

Ikot

Sinimulan ang kuwento sa katanungang bakit tayo nandito?  Ngunit patuloy lamang na tinahak ang kalsadang pagkahaba-haba na animo’y walang katapusan. Tumingin sa kanan at sumulyap, napatigil, may ibang kahulugan ang hubog ng kanyang mga labi.

Sa ilalim ng pinaghalong kahel at itim na kalangita’y maaaninag ang papalapit nang paglubog ng araw. Saan aabutin ang mga gulong ng sasakyang kanina pa binabagtas ang kalyeng wala namang kasiguraduhan.

Dito. Sa tatlumpu’t-apat na segundo masasagot ang lahat ng katanungan kasabay nang pagtigil ng bawat dumaraan, tulad din nang paghinto ng puso niyang hindi na sa iyo nakalaan.

Ganito ba winawakasan ang sumpaang walang hanggan? Wala ni isa mang salita ang kayang mabigkas. Ang dating masasayang espasyo’y napalitan ng daan-daang bakit at kailan. At sa pagitan ng mga bumabagabag na katanungan, naisip na mas mabisang kasagutan ang katahimikan lalo na  sa mga pusong hindi na sabay ang ritmo ng tugtugan.

At kasabay nang hudyat ng berdeng ilaw, ang pagtanaw sa tatlumpu’t apat na segundo na pinili nyong wakasan ang isa sanang magandang kuwento ng pagmamahalan. Walang inihaing dahilan, walang kahit anong paliwanag kung paano humantong sa ganito ang walang hanggan. Kung ang pag-ibig ay pagtahak sa paikot-ikot na kalsada at paghihintay lamang sa bawat paghinto at pag-arangkada, bakit hindi ilaan ang puso sa pagitan ng mga segundong patuloy na naghihintay sa panibagong taong daraan?

Sinimulan ang kuwento sa katanungang bakit tayo nandito?  At kasabay ng berdeng ilaw sa ilalim ng pinaghalong kahel at itim na kalangitan at pag-ikot ng ferris wheel sa gawing kanan, tinapos ang kuwento sa salitang patawad at paalam, at dahan-dahang pag-ikot pabalik ng sasakyan. ###

 

 

 

I’m in love with Sunrise

Just as deeply as I am in love with you.

I remember us holding hands while waiting for the sky to paint us a magnificent combination of yellow and orange in a splash of its bluish canvass. Slowly, like magic, dark clouds give way to a brilliant color scheme tantalizing both our eyes. A mesmerizing view — a sunrise with you.

And then I looked at you.

And I’m amazed. I’m amazed how your eyes can hold a new set of sunrise. A sunrise that lights up my heart. How those mix of colors can be so beautiful and captivating when you lift my head and stare at me, fascinated and wandering. “I can watch a million sunrises with you, but nothing can compare beauty whenever I look at you,” you said to me.

And how can I respond to those unwavering words. It just felt so good. And it even felt so good when you held my hand and slowly placed it in your chest. And I feel it, your heart’s sudden throbbing. “You’re the only one who can make this stir and beating,” you added.

I never knew how moving it is to realize how your heart beats for me. You made me want to watch more sunrise with you. You’re just my good days and all the days that will follow. And when i looked back, I want to see how far we’ve reached — how this overflowing love can create million sunrises by just looking through each other’s eyes and feeling each other’s heart.

Love is beautiful. It blends colors and  suddenly, you can create exquisite pictures together. We’re like that — a mix of black and white splashed with dazzling colors forming a picturesque masterpiece. Love is a masterpiece and so are we.

We held hands while we watched the sun rising on the horizon. I’m in love with sunrise, I said. But I can never love something as much as I love you. I’m in love with sunrise. But I’m more in love with you.

###

 

Dulo

Hinanap ko ang hangganan ng bawat pangungusap na maari kong maisulat tungkol sayo. Tulad nang pagpilit kong makahanap ng tamang salita sa mga tula kong walang tugma at sa tuwinang pagpapalit ko sa mga liriko ng kantang tingin ko’y ‘di akma. Mahirap.

Ilang espasyo na ba ng papel ang aking nalaktawan dahil hindi ko mabuo ang ideyang wala palang kahit anong alaala o kahit sinuman ang papalit sa espasyong iniwan mo sa puso ko mula noong sinabi mong hanggang dito na lamang tayo. Umasa.

Naalala ko noong sinabi mong ako ang iyong simula lalo na ang iyong dulo. Tulad ng ibig sa salitang pag-ibig; tulad ng mahal sa salitang pagmamahal. Sinabi mong ako’y iyong inibig dahil ako’y iyong mahal. Ngunit bakit bigla na lamang naglaho, ang pag-ibig mong minsan sa aki’y iyong ipinangako.

Ngunit magkagayunman, kahit kailan hindi ako lumisan.

Hinintay ko pa rin ang pagbabalik mong walang kasiguraduhan.

May kahihinatnan pa ba ang kuwento nating minsan mo ring sinabing pang-habang buhay?

O ang kuwentong ito’y ating tutuldukan na lamang.

Dahil mahirap umasa lalo na sa mga bagay na panandalian.

Lahat ng bagay may hangganan.

Kaya ako’y hanggang dito na lamang.

Ito ang katapusan.

Oo, may dulo ang walang hanggan.

###

 

Pagbibilang

passing of time

Mahirap ang maghintay.

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses na akong tumingala sa langit. Hinihintay ang pagpapalit ng kulay ng kalangitan mula asul patungong kadiliman.

Kaisa ako ng madilim na kalangitan. Naisip kong mas mahiwaga ang dilim. Mas mapagpanggap. Mas payapa. Ngunit sa huli, hindi asul o itim ang makakapagpanatili sayo dahil mas pinili mong sumama sa taong ang gusto’y  kulay ng palubog na araw.

Mahirap ang maghintay.

Ilang beses ko na bang pinagmasdan ang pagkalagas ng dahon ng punong minsan nating naging tagpuan. Naalala ko noong minsa’y minapa mo sa isang dahon ang ating pangarap. Sinulatan ang dahon ng ating pangalan at ng salitang walang hanggan. Hanggang bumalik ako doon isang araw, at ang naabutan ko na lamang ay isang kalbong puno kasabay ng pangarap nating tuluyan nang nakalimutan.

Mahirap ang maghintay.

Ilang beses ko na bang binilang ang bawat hakbang ng aking paa. Umaasang matagpuan kita. Nagbabakasakaling aksidenteng mabangga kita at matanong mo man lang kung “kumusta ka?” Dahil minsan ang isang kumusta ka ay isa na ring pamamaalam sa bawat alaala nating binuo ng magkasama.

Mahirap ang maghintay.

Mas mahirap ang umasang darating ka.

Pinakamahirap ang umibig sa isang alaala.

Nakakalungkot.

Nakakapagod.

Pero sa huli mas magandang maghintay ng panibagong pag-alalayan ng magandang alaala.

Tulad ng muling pagliwanag ng madilim na kalangitan.

Tulad ng pagusbong ng mga dahon sa punong ating naging tagpuan.

Tulad ng patuloy na paghakbang ng aking mga paa sa daang may maghihintay sa pagdating ko.

Maghihintay ako.

Hindi sayo.

Hihintayin ko sya.

Mahirap maghintay.

Pero sa kanya na pahahalagahan at iibigin ako ng buo kasama ng mga kamalian ko, bakit hindi?

Dahil ang pinakadalisay na pag-ibig ay sadyang hinihintay.

Mahirap maghintay.

Pero hindi ako titigil na umibig ng dalisay.

###

 

Missing you

I miss you —
Three words you never knew
How hard I fell for you
But you never fall for me, too.

I miss you —
Like how the trees missed its leaves during fall
Like how the rainbow failed to appear
After the rain poured.

I miss you —
Like the lacking pages
of my unfinished book
Like the tattoo of your name in my wrist
you didn’t care to look.

This is how I miss you.
It’s as if everything around me is you.
Yet I always left wondering
Did you ever miss me too?

###